The True Story of Romeo and Juliet
by Violetcarson
Summary: A lovely crack! alternate ending to Romeo and Juliet, starting off right when Romeo is making his final speech.


No, I do not own Romeo and Juliet. I am, however, having a lot of fun with these characters. But no, I do not claim any rights to them. Just this bizarre alternate ending to their story.

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Awareness came very slowly. It crawled sluggishly, bringing a trail of disjointed phrases with it. Someone was speaking, and their voice was quivering slightly, as if holding back tears. The voice was slightly familiar as well, though it was hard to place. With a great amount of concentration, the voice came more into focus. Strangely, it sounded as if the speaker was talking about…killing themselves! What?

"_Come bitter conduct; come, unsavory guide!_

_Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on_

_The dashing rocks the seasick weary bark!_

_Here's to my lo-"_

"What exactly do you think you're doing?" A rather incredulous voice asked.

Rome turned, with the flask still raised to his lips. His eyes attempted to pop out of his skull as he watched his dead wife sitting up on her crypt, looking at him with a slightly puzzled expression. For a few seconds he was frozen. He didn't breathe, he didn't think. His heart refused to beat. His hair didn't even shift slightly. Then his face broke into a broad grin. "That was amazingly fast! I don't even remember drinking it!"

Juliet rolled her eyes and hopped off the crypt where her body had been placed. She walked over to Romeo, grabbed the vial out of his hand, and shook it to make sure he hadn't actually managed to drink any of it. She then took a deep breath and jumped him.

Romeo still hadn't quite realized what was going on, but was nevertheless happy to reply to his wife's frenzied and rather wet kisses. They would have gone a bit farther than would strictly be allowed in this tale were it not for the fact that Juliet realized that five feet away was the dead and oozing form of Paris. This, of course, sent her into hysterics, and they had to step outside the tomb so she could calm down.

The mood was thoroughly ruined, so Juliet decided that she'd better just go ahead and explain the idiotic plan that Friar Laurence had initiated.

"Are you saying that you actually _faked killing yourself_, instead of just running away or something?!?! Where is the logic in that?!" Romeo's hands curled around his hair and tugged in exasperation. This didn't make that much sense, even to Romeo, but he did it anyway. After all, that's what people did in this kind of a situation.

"Well," said Juliet, gently tugging Romeo's hands away from his abused head, "it seemed like a good idea at the time. I suppose, looking back, it might have been a bit of a rushed decision."  
Rome grumbled. "That's one hell of an understatement!" He placed his hand tenderly on her cheek and looked into her eyes. "I could have lost you." Juliet smiled and stared longingly back.

It was a lovely, romantic, and generally star-filled moment. It would have made many sappy romantics faint with sheer joy. But it was sadly interrupted by the crazed mutterings of a somewhat insane monk. Oh, scratch that. An insane _friar_. Whatever.

"Oh dear Saint Francis, that was my last extra habit. If I lose another game I'm going to have to sell my donkey! Ah well, the blasted old thing deserves it. She stepped on my best pair of dice. Now I'm going to have to pay to get those replaced as well! Oh, this day is just getting better all the ti-"

The muttering cut off.

He turned to the left.

He blinked in confusion, realized that he'd gotten his directions mixed up, and turned to the right instead. Then he smiled with surprise and joy. "Ah Romeo! You're here already! And Juliet, already awake. Isn't this a bit early? Well, no matter. Come, we must be off! We need to send you two off to Mantua with all haste! The watch is on there way here!"

He turned back the way he'd come, expecting them to follow. They didn't. He turned back to face them again, his expression slightly confused.

Juliet took a deep breath, and squeezed Romeo's hand. "We're not going to leave. We're going to stay and tell our parents. We don't want to hide our love anymore." She smiled at Romeo, and he smiled at her. Friar Laurence rolled his eyes discreetly.

"Well, all right then. If you really think that's best. Honestly, you two are so star-crossed; you're liable to get close lined by the real world."

How did the story end? Did they live happily ever after, consumed by the bonds of true love?

…

…

Yeah. Riiiight. Like it was that easy!

Strangely enough, the Prince, who had seemed so unhappy with Romeo beforehand, was so touched by the love shown by the two that he decided to revoke Romeo's sentence. He then went off to the palace to have a good cry about how beautiful life was.

Lord Capulet screamed and raged, looked stunned, and then shouted a bit more. When he was done he decided that he'd freaked out sufficiently and gave them his blessing. Lady Capulet didn't really say much, just looked slightly green.

Both of Romeo's parental units were a bit stunned, and miffed that their perfect son went behind her back, but they forgave him easily enough. They didn't much take to their new daughter-in-law though.

Everybody lived happily ever after. Except for Paris, whose rotting corpse wasn't discovered for 7 and a half months. As it was found by some grave robbers, they didn't tell anyone anyway. So Paris was never legally found, and was declared dead after 7 years. This made the Prince quite sad. He went off and had a good cry about that too.

THE END!!!!

But then again, this is supposed to be the real story. I'm telling you nothing but the truth. And I've only really portrayed the _beginning_ of the end. Perhaps I should expand?

What do you think? Yes? Alright, you've convinced me.

Five years down the road, Romeo and Juliet realized that though they'd fallen in "love", they didn't actually like each other that much. So they decided to go their separate ways. Juliet entered into a secretive affair with Rosaline, of all people. Unfortunately they were both killed and eaten in a freak shark attack, out on a boat one moonlit night. Romeo got over this tragedy fairly quickly and fell immediately in love with his former mother-in-law. She didn't reciprocate, and he soon moved away, and changed his name to Michael O' Angel. Everyone pronounced it wrong, however. Lord and Lady Montague, seeing as they were only minor characters, lived rather pleasantly until they were both killed by plague. Lady Capulet died when she accidentally stabbed herself with a sewing needle and it became infected. Lord Capulet, who'd never really liked her that much anyway, stopped being seen in public, and took to raising goldfish in his spare time. Funnily enough, young Balthazar, who was pretty much ignored by everyone else was kidnapped by aliens and sent into the 21st century, where he became a popular rapper. The powerful Prince of Verona spent most of his time crying and wondering why nothing interesting ever happened to him.

What? Did you think it was going to have a happy ending? Come on people, it's called a _Tragedy_!!!!

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A/N: Isn't it lovely? Random, pretty much pointless, but fun. I had to write this for my English class, so I decided to post it on here. Please leave me a review! I would seriously appreciate it!


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